One or the Other

Why is polyamory taboo and so rare among my peers?

According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics (bls.gov) people ages 15-24 watch about 3 hours of TV a day. If you sleep for 8 hours a day, eat for 2, go to school and do homework for 7, and have a part time job for 2, you are left with 5 hours of leisure time. 3 of which we spend watching television. That is a LOT of television.

We see the same scenarios, characters, societies, humor, and drama over and over again. Through this repetition, TV has become our storyteller, the medium through which we learn social norms, how we are supposed to act, and what to expect from other people. Much of our learning comes from stories. This ability to experience vicariously through listening is a uniquely human characteristic. In the stories we see on TV, we learn that in relationships, a person must pick one or the other lover. To do anything else is strictly taboo.

Case in point:

In Imagine Me & You (2005) Piper Perabo's character makes the torturous decision to leave her dearly beloved husband for a woman she falls in love with. She deeply cares for both people, but must choose only one.

In the CW's series Gossip Girl, season 3 episodes 8 & 9, three friends (two of whom are dating) all sleep together on a mission to complete a list of the "top 15 things to do before you graduate college." The aftermath is disastrous. Their friendships are broken up by petty fights, jealousy and the inability to communicate about their mutual romantic feelings. Instead of these three characters benefiting from their connections, we see them break down.

These are only two out of a plethora of examples, showing that when there are three people in love, one must be excluded. Three can never work.

The norm of monogamy is perpetuated by stories on TV. The mass audience who sees these stories mean that few people know about alternatives to monogamy and may not realize that polyamory is taboo until they do hear about it (can ya feel the xenophobia?).

My peers and I are nearing the end of the time when we are most impressionable, when we are still learning about how the world works, forming our world view. Watching more tv exposes us to the same images of monogamy, jealousy and infidelity over and over and over again, ensuring that most of our worldviews do not include polyamory.

We non-monogamists recognize that we are not the norm. We must recognize and rationalize our atypical status, just like queers must recognize that they are not straight, that they deviate from the norm. Ironically, the "normal" group is not asked to recognize the "abnormal" group.

So, why not use TV to our advantage? Let's write letters to TV stations about what we want to see on TV. Let's get characters into the media (even if it's just YouTube) who are not token poly people, but who are normal characters who just happen to be poly. Let's show that three (or more) can thrive! Let's win some recognition and begin to knock down the Berlin Wall of a taboo we have in front of us!