So I figured I would share how I met mine (after all, this is a blog about polyamory, which is all about relationships):
I'll have to say that I didn't go looking for either of my significant others or my situation... they just sort of happened...
I didn't date many people in high school because I was uncomfortable feeling like I "belonged" to the person who I was dating. I tried bringing it up with one person in 10th grade, but this person only got angry and wanted to know why he wasn't enough. There was a disconnect between the wants and assumptions of myself and every person I dated, or liked and thought about dating. The disconnect existed between myself and friends too. I would try to explain how I felt about the people I was dating, but my friends didn't understand. So I shut up and figured that one day all those feelings would go away. I figured I would meet someone positively fantastic, who would make all those feelings go away, that's how it worked for everyone else, right? Since no one else understood what I was feeling, those feelings weren't valid, right? Answer: wrong!
I was uncomfortable dating, so I stayed single for 2 years. During those two years I matured and developed as an individual, read profusely, wrote, tried new things, became independent and confident, etc. and basically learned myself inside and out. But still didn't feel comfortable dating, and couldn't figure out the exact words to describe why.
The end of high school found me traveling before I headed off to college. Along the way I ended up in a community that had some very different relationship norms. The assumption there was that the people in the relationship (whether friends, people dating, or partners) decided what went for them. They would talk out their true feelings and really listen to what each person wanted out of the relationship. Then they would decide on what style worked for them (monogamy, polyamory, or a varying degree of either). There was no taboo against talking over these issues because monogamy was not an assumption.
I thought this was fantastic for all of them, because the majority had healthy, happy, loving and satisfying relationships. I figured that none of this applied to me since I was only planning on passing through.
Well, no sooner did I come up with that logic, than I found myself with a huge crush on one of the community members, who I proceeded to have a week-long fling with before continuing on my trip. It was awesome- I felt free to be exactly who I was without being judged or tripping over any taboos. At the end of the allotted time for our "fling," we still seriously liked each other, knew we were only beginning our connection. I left to start school, but we kept in touch.
College began. Freed by my summer's experience, I began dating again! Not for a second did I think there was anything wrong with dating people at school and my far away lover. Everyone knew about everything else, but no new connections were very serious. About 6 mos later I met my second lover while dancing (and when I say dancing I mean lively dancing, not grinding) at a party. We traded shy smiles for a few weeks, finally hung out, and hit it off. I tentatively informed each lover about the other. Instead of being mad, or jealous, or hurt, both were happy for me! And I was happy for them when they started dating other people. Through them I've ended up with a supportive, loving, expanded network of friends and lovers. Yes, we have had our share of bumps in the road, fights, etc. But as long as we act like big boys and girls and communicate, things roll along smoothly. Lucky is the only word I can think of to describe it all. I feel fantastically, awesomely, goddamn lucky, and wake up every day thanking the powers that be for whatever it is I've gotten myself into. If I could choose, I wouldn't have it any other way!
In the back of my mind I know this isn't "normal," but I don't care! If we're making ourselves happy and not hurting anyone else in the process, why is it wrong? Why do I have to say goodbye to someone I love if I fall in love with someone else? Who made the rule that says I can't have my cake and eat it too if the cake is informed and willing?
Someday I hope I can introduce my parents to the people I love (whomever and whatever number) without inducing heart attacks and bouts of lectures about the dangers of sleeping with multiple partners. Someday I hope I can be as out about my polyamory as I am about my bisexuality. Until then, I cater to normality to avoid unfair judgement. This requires that I refrain from telling all but the necessary people and close friends about my lifestyle. I don't like it, but I believe that there will be a time and place for me and my lovers to be open and honest with everyone outside of our circle.
Until then, I remain an anonymous blogger, writing to an unknown audience on the World Wide Web.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
-C.A.S.
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