Different Strokes for Different Folks

My next article is up on modernpoly.com. If you like stories about friends bonding and reflections on the fact that we all operate differently, then go check it out!

Disclosure to a new love interest

I met this really cool girl a while back, and last weekend we got lunch at the local bookstore-cafe. We found a couple of seats between bookshelves, and got to talking over sandwiches. Smiles were flashed, hair was fixed, legs and arms crossed and uncrossed, two pairs of green eyes met hesitantly. People came in to the nook to browse the books and eventually left again. Sandwiches were consumed, then crumbs picked up with fingertips and licked off. We discussed our summers, winter plans, majors. Thus began the subtle process of each discovering the other.

Last night I biked over slick sidewalks to her house, where we sat on her bed and continued our conversation. It occurred to me that I should bring up the subject of polyamory, something I'd never done with someone I was romantically interested in.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm terrified of breaking the news to someone monogamous that I'm non-monogamous. I'm afraid the person will be freaked out and run away. I have visions of a face turning sour as it condemns my lifestyle as "unnatural." I'm afraid the person will be freaked out, run away, and then gossip to all his or her friends about me. Then the news will be out, everyone will hear it and eventually I'll become a novelty item. My relationship status will get back to my parents, my employers, and then I'll really be in hot water... it only gets more irrational from there.
Luckily, it went smoothly. She happened to mention her ex girlfriend, and that conversation naturally led to me saying I was polyamorous and sort of part-time dating two other people who I didn't see that much. She grinned and said, "Really? Cool. I don't know how I got into a long term relationship first thing in college, but I feel like college just isn't the time for long-term, 'meet your partner' relationships." She asked me how I met them, I told her, and that was that.
We're hanging out again after break. :)

TNG means The Next Generation

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Hugs, anyone?

Today I'm feeling a little bit like these women.

Maybe it is just the culture at my school, but I've noticed that fewer and fewer people are comfortable being touchy-feely with each other beyond hello and goodbye hugs.

Both my significant others left in October (and are coming back in December), so this left me feeling pretty affection-deprived until recently. I started wondering... how do we cultivate relationships in which touching is okay, especially since it isn't a big part of the culture we live in?

Thus:

A few weeks I approached some friends, and asked how they felt about the above question...

I'm published on ModernPoly.com!

A couple of weeks ago I submitted an article to Modern Poly. They liked it, I revised and edited it, and now it's up!

Go check it out:

http://www.modernpoly.com/submissions/on-being-poly-in-college

One or the Other

Why is polyamory taboo and so rare among my peers?

According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics (bls.gov) people ages 15-24 watch about 3 hours of TV a day. If you sleep for 8 hours a day, eat for 2, go to school and do homework for 7, and have a part time job for 2, you are left with 5 hours of leisure time. 3 of which we spend watching television. That is a LOT of television.

We see the same scenarios, characters, societies, humor, and drama over and over again. Through this repetition, TV has become our storyteller, the medium through which we learn social norms, how we are supposed to act, and what to expect from other people. Much of our learning comes from stories. This ability to experience vicariously through listening is a uniquely human characteristic. In the stories we see on TV, we learn that in relationships, a person must pick one or the other lover. To do anything else is strictly taboo.

Case in point:

Obey Fidelity

Yesterday I was gleefully entertained by two exhibits at the Andy Warhol Museum (phenomenal- go if you ever get the chance). The next two paragraphs are about the exhibits, skip them if you only want my analysis.

The first, SuperTrash, was a collection of fantastically politically incorrect movie posters from the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. It was necessary to recognize the gross objectification of women, racism, and sheer offensiveness of the exhibit in order to see the art and satirical hilarity. Titles range from, “The Bitch from the Black Sea” to “Big Foot- breeds with anything!” If someone put one of these posters up today it could only be for a comedy. Otherwise, no one would take it seriously. Put one of these up back in the 1930’s, now that’s another story.

The other exhibit was a collection of Shepard Fairey’s art (he’s the guy who did the Obama “Hope” campaign posters). If I understand correctly, his vision started out as an attempt to raise awareness of subliminal messaging in the media. These original posters have a face on them and the word “OBEY” in big bold font. You see these posters and you think, “what am I supposed to obey?” The posters aren’t advertising anything, and there isn’t any message other than “obey” for you to follow. Simply, Fairey flips advertising on its head. Instead of an overt product and a subliminal message (obey- go buy this!), he shows an overt message and a vague product (go think about what this means). His original posters lead into a series about André the Giant, to those of authoritarian leaders and people who follow them (willingly or unwillingly). Some of his latest posters critique American values and media: one says, “blind obedience can be hazardous to your health.”

***

So I’m walking in that slow, thoughtful, sideways manner that people walk in when they’re in an art gallery, and I come to this entire wall covered by about 30 or 40 of Fairey’s posters. I start slowly scanning each one, until I run across the poster that is the topic of this entry, entitled Rock Steady (above). The words on the poster read “Rock Steady, Obey Fidelity.”

I’ve heard people say that polyamory is un-American (go read an evangelical Christian blog if you don’t believe me). And, as I’ve talked about before, there is a heavy taboo against non-monogamy in our culture. It seems to me that this poster is an overt reference to our monogamous culture as well as a critique of the rules.

The poster is made to look like a record cover. Two young white people, straight out of the 50’s, are hanging out and listening to records. As implied by the title, Rock Steady, they are listening to rock n’ roll music and dating steady (aka monogamously). It’s a stereotypical scene from 1950’s America. As Fairey’s posters are often ironic, the message to “obey” is really a message to think about what you are obeying. In this case, the American people (represented by the stereotypical American kids) are doing what is American (listening to rock n’ roll), and obeying the rules of fidelity (dating steady).

So, America, wake up and think about what type of relationship you are in. Think about why you are in it and why you chose it. Be more mindful!

Mr. Fairey, thanks for giving a nod to the non-monogamists in America! Good luck in your continuing campaign to create thought-provoking art.

How and Why I am Polyamorous

I stumbled upon a list of testimonials about how poly people met their current lovers and partners:

So I figured I would share how I met mine (after all, this is a blog about polyamory, which is all about relationships):

I'll have to say that I didn't go looking for either of my significant others or my situation... they just sort of happened...

The Purpose of this Blog

I am polyamorous and I'm in college.

This poses a few dilemmas.

1) Because of the taboos on non-monogamy in the greater part of the United States, it is a little know fact among friends and family that I have two significant others.

2) I have a hard time meeting poly people my age. There aren't any very many ways for us college polys to connect with poly peers. There also aren't any resources for us.

In the two years since I discovered and embraced the word "polyamory" and its practice, I haven't found a single website, or blog aimed at those of us in college. There are a plethora of fantastic resources for the general poly crowd. Once in a while, there is an article or special about the rising practice of polyamory. But no social networking sites or anything else for polys in their late teens and early 20's.

I've searched high and low to find, meet and connect with poly people my age. I've joined some poly meetup groups and attended several poly munches (informal get-togethers over a meal, usually at someone's home), but at each one I have been undoubtedly the youngest one there. At the first one I went to, I was barely three years older than the hosts' oldest daughter! Although I can easily pass for much older than I am, I don't always want to.

I don't think there are a lot of us young'ins, but I've got a feeling I'm not the only one in this situation.

So, I'm sitting down in my dorm room at 8pm on a Monday night. I've got two tests and an 8am class tomorrow, I need to look for an internship for this summer, and I'm taking finals in a few weeks, but here I am, a busy college student, sitting down to write a blog.

Why am I writing?

To fill an empty niche, to create a resource where none exists.

I'm not an activist, and not much of a pundit, but I am someone who noticed a void; since there isn't anyone else to do it, I'm filling it in myself. Hopefully I'll be filling it in until it's a little more full, in between performing the many balancing acts of college.